December 26, 2011

Home for the Holidays

Nate & I are about to disappear for a week or two, into the land of no internet access.

Shocking for some*, wonderfully relaxing & freeing for me! 

*Nate is a teeny bit part of the 'some'... He eventually stops twitching & relaxes.

We have come home to Australia for Christmas & the New Year. It felt important that we all be together to celebrate Christmas as a family, the first one without Dad. And for Nate & I to have some recharge time, with the ones we love, is especially good as we farewell this particularly poopey year!

[Soaking-up the Southern Hemipshere summer season might've been an arm twister too.]

There will definitely be updates & pictures & stories from our time here - but I apologize in advance for the delay, as we set-off for the holiday house today & check-out from the world wide web.

xx

December 21, 2011

Weekend Festivities

Tis the season! We've had a busy weekend of Christmas festivities & celebrations, the perfect counter-balance to how our hearts have been feeling some days this month.

I am happily weary from time spent with dear friends, new friends, talented musicians & soul-warming songs. The Yoder Family Christmas party kicked things off on Friday evening & we didn't look back.

{with lovely friends, Will & Ruthie Sayles}

Nate was away on Sautrday night & I took-in my first ever viewing of "It's a Wonderful Life" at the Belcourt Theatre. Oh-me, oh-my. I am in love - and slow on the uptake, for certain! If you've not indulged in some Christmas viewing yet, please go & rent this now. It is a pure delight.

 

In the quieter moments, between mistletoe & egg nog & itchy Christmas sweaters (none of which actually appeared over the weekend) I got my craft-on again. And this time, no kindy kids were going to one-up me!

Please meet my first ever bunting banner & contribution to Todd's surprise 40th birthday party (more on that in a minute).


Come Sunday evening we took-in the annual Andrew Peterson Christmas concert ("Behold the Lamb of God") held at the Ryman. This is a favorite for us every year, for many reasons - heart-stirring songs, talented musicians, friends who are the talented musicians, Nate's manager Christie orchestrating the night, & the story of Christmas, God with us, proclaimed with great joy & hope.

{No matter my mood, scrooge or elf, this concert helps to focus my heart during the silly season}

Now, back to the 40th p-arty. To cap it all off & really tip this weekend over the edge, we stayed around at the Ryman after the concert to celebrate 40 years of life for our precious friend Todd, surprise-style. 

{Yep, that's my banner. Could we say it was the vital heartbeat of the whole evening? The salt to the party pepper? Who am I to say.... :) }

Before I sign-off, it must be announced: Nate & I have made a new friend!*. The wonderful Ms. Sally Lloyd Jones, children's book author extraordinaire & all-round fabulous lady. (*no coercion or bribery took place.)

Sally took-up residence for an evening at our home & graciously kept us company throughout a lot of the above, attending the parties & reading at Andrew's concert. I believe Sally is HIGH on the list of 2011 'good things'.

How do you not love a lady who will do this with you... Making you laugh until you cry...
 
{Todd's primary-school self was good enough to appear with us in the 2nd frame, in case the boy seems a random addition... Because, of course, everything else in these pictures looks totally normal}

SO, anybody else worn-out from the activities & social interactions??! Good-golly molly. I could stay in my pajamas for a week.

As full as my heart might be from this season of friendship & celebration, I am excited about the pending plane ride - 14+hrs of uninterrupted, passive time, delivering us to family.

The end. And very joy-filled Christmas to you all!

xx

December 11, 2011

Christmas Spirit

Umm... I think I just got my craft-on !!

I do like creative things, but usually on a larger scale, like, ah, painting the living room. This little project was at the other end of the spectrum & not my usual forte. The alphabet set from Emily got my crafty juices flowing (artsy-crafty, not evil-crafty) and the new Paper Source Nashville store tipped me over the edge with their wall of pretty stamps & colored paper. They really ARE a source of all things paper.


I thought it was time to get Porter Rd in the Christmas spirit, so I took my peppermint tea & poopey-nugget looking chocolate treats to settle-in for some delicate creativity, making my own gift tags.



I realize it's a simple place to start with my crafting endeavors, nothing more complicated than inking & stamping.. Preeetty sure kids in kindergarten are doing the same thing right this minute, with half a potato & some craft paper.

BUT, it's a start! And I'm liking how pretty they look, & that the ink went where it should & not all over my fingers & the table (bet you can't claim THAT, kindy kids?!)

Each one is different, just like a snow flake.
Let the season of Christmas begin!

xx

December 5, 2011

Porter Rd Happenings

2 faMiLy ViSiToRs:

 {Beth & Fletcher, snapped at Jeni's Ice Creamery. They popped-by on their way home from Central America, providing a week of fun family times. So delightful!}

4 LiTTle TreATs:

{New Food Truck discovery - Bang Candy. Owned by an Irish lady from Tipperary - and yes, she graciously allowed us to sing a bit of the tune to her, as if that's never happened before! - she makes divine little squares of marshmallow in all sorts of fancy combination's.}

1 WeDDiNg aNNiVerSARy:

{My beloved & I celebrated 7 wedded years on Sunday. We kept it low-key, with a morning at Crema & a sneaky gift from Nate, despite the no gift rule *sigh*. Thankful beyond belief for my precious husbando.}

xx

November 28, 2011

Calendar Days

Last week was Thanksgiving - an American holiday I wholeheartedly embrace & have come to love! Tasty turkey & pumpkin pie, & the excuse to hang with friends mid-week - what's not to enjoy?

Here is one of our dear friends & generous hosts - Courtney - & the turkey she perfected..

We had a wonderful evening, attaching ourselves to her extended family for a big, boisterous Thanksgiving meal [Courtney's family consists of three sisters plus husbands, children & grandparents, so Nate & I felt right at home].

Thanksgiving is a milestone we are pleased to have passed, as it marked in our minds the anticipated arrival of the twins. Around these calendar days we expected either (a) 2 little bundles depriving us of sleep or (b) 1 enormous belly depriving me of sleep. Either away, we miss every part of the picture.

I've found it important to not let my mind wander too often in the direction of how life could be right now had things gone smoothly. Life is busy & full & we are delighting in so much of it! But I did want to acknowledge this particular time of the year.

Days of significance deepen our experience of loss & my icky questions circle around more frequently...

I don't know why I'm here writing about loss, instead of deliriously describing a new baby's fingers & toes.
I don't know why we're having to wait to experience the joy of being new parents.
I don't know why others sail through pregnancy with ease.
I don't know why Jack & Lucy can't be here in our family.

Being a follower of God hasn't given me the answers to a lot of our questions. Instead, it's given me Jesus. I don't say that lightly or as a cliche. I wander from this truth daily & have to bring myself back - "I have Jesus".

He is more than enough to fill the void of unanswered questions; to carry the weight of my anxiety; to bring joy through times of sadness; & offer true hope in our bleakest days. He has come like a light in the darkness & I am thankful.

xx

November 23, 2011

MIA

Dearest blog-friends... I've been a bad communicator the last few weeks. It is poor form & I truly have no good or valid excuse [not that I didn't trial a few.... "a family of squirrels stole my laptop*"... "I temporarily lost all feeling in my fingers & couldn't type"... "the scrubbing of our shower required my undivided, devoted housewifey attention**"...]

Things have been fairly quiet & uneventful at Porter Rd. I've been searching the deep recesses of my brain to come-up with something to share, but alas, it turns-out the recesses are empty [or my brain is not that deep!]

ANYWAY, to keep things here simmering along, I will pop-up a few pics & mini-stories from the last week, care-of my iphone.

LAST MONDAY: We road-tripped to Atlanta for the day to visit with a precious friend, Laurel. She's an American, married to an Australian, living in Australia, who was visiting America. You still with me?

She & her husband Justin are near & dear to us, so the 4hr trek there & back was no sweat. We cherished the chance to catch-up on all of life from the last 6 months, hear about our cheeky godson & indulge in some laughs.

 

THIS PAST WKEND: we were off to Oklahoma - where the wind really-truly does comes sweeping down the plain. I don't how it knows to live-up to it's name so completely.

This time it was an 11hr+ road-trip, which again was no sweat thanks to Nate's demon-like driving focus & the bottomless store of optimism radiating from the backseat. Todd & Peter (drums & bass) joined the Tasker circus for the weekend, & apart from musical talent they bought a joyful road-tripping enthusiasm that shamed Nate & I.  Can't you tell from this picture...


Perhaps the 11+ hr drive wasn't such a chore because waiting at the other end, like a little sugar-filled beacon, was Cuppies & Joe. Truly a place of raindbows & buttercups & the most adorable store owners, making the most delectable cupcakes known to man. E-ver.


Elizabeth & her family have been running C&J for 3 years & we landed on their doorstep fairly early-on, thanks to Kelsey. It was love at first bite. I could wax-lyrical about their perfect little house-shop, the friendly staff, great coffee & PERFECT cakes. But instead I'll just give you a close-up of the Boom Boom Pow....

 
Vanilla bean cuppie w/chocolate buttercream, caramel, and sea salt. Yes please.

That was Oklahoma. [Oh, Nate & the guys did play a youth convention too. They did splendid!]

And so we find ourselves at Thanksgiving week, rushing head-long into Christmas. The leaves here are just about all gone, the sky is covered-over with gray clouds & I'm starting to get very familiar with my ugg boots. 

xx

[*this one is really quite valid. Seriously. They are organized, scheming, industrious little fellows. I do believe if they sense any weakness they will stage a coup & take over the house.]

[**this one should be valid, but my delicate lady-hands prevent such an endeavor]

November 6, 2011

From My Ears to Yours

After the cantaloupe incident of 2011 I was banned from running for a good month or two. This was welcome news for me - I'd been looking for a decent excuse to break from strenuous exercise for, ooh, about 3 years.

In it's place I have spent time walking each morning. While the weather is yet not butt-cake freezing I wander East Nashville with music playing in my ears, a more sedate, reflective sound track than my running tunes. And I had a little thought.... If I found what I'm listening to an encouragement, then maybe others might to.

I'm here to pass-along just a few of the artists & albums that have nurtured my soul these past few months, in the hope that they might do the same for you - either now or in future days.

I did originally write my own little personal descriptions for each & why I love them so. But I think I'd enjoy it more if I knew you just went ahead, clicked their songs & discovered the goodness for yourself...






[N. Tasker is known to sneak-in there too]
 
I realize today's suggestions are all of the Christian variety & this is not the direction I always look to jump (believe it or not!). Music is a warm place for me to rest, & during this season, Christian music is especially where I find myself looking to lay down. I can settle-in, feel the weight lifted & let truth wash over me in a way that is often more powerful than if it were spoken to me plainly.

These artists & their songs are suffused with an ache for home & deep sympathy for our broken human condition... All the while, brimming with the love of a Savior that is so beautiful & restoring & needed.
xx

October 27, 2011

[Healthy] Almond & Banana Muffins



ONCE again I have let fruit languish without proper care or consumption.

Apparently I'm too cool for the cool raw-food movement!

When it comes to mushy, brown, old banana's I'm secretly cheering inside when we're unable to eat them in time. There are some perfect banana baking recipes around (the most obvious go-to being Nate's beloved banana bread).


But, that is not where we're headed today... Instead, I have had my eye on a pretty looking Almond & Banana muffin recipe care-of Honest Fare. It's particularly appealing because of the "healthy" element - no butter, oil or flour. The fresh-made almond meal & mushy banana's do all the work...


 [This is a more honest shot of my shameful banana situation. Nooot so shiny & yellow...]

The extra beauty of this recipe is it's almost entirely prepared in a food processor - no other kitchen utensils required aside from a mixing bowl & muffin tins. Being a self-confessed lazy-baker, this is music to my ears!


If you're feeling a wee-bit inspired, you can add the chocolately, cocoa brown center - a lil something extra that I was pleased to see actually worked [again, the lazy-baker in me usually skips such "trickery"].



These muffins are dense but not dry. Healthy tasting but not dull. A fulfilling little snack, with enough sweetness to satisfy but not cause jiggly-belly guilt!

I am a fan. 

xx

October 21, 2011

Sunset Fashion

We were cruising down Sunset Blvd earlier in the week (can you cruise in a Chevy Malibu hire car?) and there in the display window of 'Live On Sunset', all big & blown-up to full-screen proportions, was my dear friends clothing label - Bec & Bridge.


Yes, I did flip-out juuuust a teeny bit, grinning from ear-to-ear & snapping photo's like a total dork... [So much for trendster detachment...]

The new pop-up store had opened only several days earlier, making the timing with our LA visit just perfect. It was very exciting to see Bridge's (& Bec's) clothes displayed for the other side of the world to see.

I have been wearing B&B with dedication for years. I couldn't love their clothes more (or the gal-pal who designs them) & am so thankful for Bridge's willingness to keep me stocked each time I visit Sydney. She lets me be cool by association.


I did indulge in a little moment of reflection, remembering back to one of their first fashion show's at the end of University & the enthusiasm we all shared for their talent (& wondering if I'd ever be brave enough to wear the "new trend" of the skinny jean included in their range... So daring!)

I felt very proud of my creative & inspiring friend as I wandered the store & chin-wagged with the sales assistant - who confirmed my suspicion...

Bec & Bridge are as loved here in the States, as they are on home soil. Looking at their signature candy-colored Akubra's, I'm not surprised!

xx

October 14, 2011

The Cantaloupe vs The Cherry Pepper*


Over the past half a year the size of things growing inside me have regularly been compared to food.

Baby books just loooove to categorize a growing baby each month with this method - from grapes, to pears, to lemons, to avocados, to heirloom tomatoes, to naval oranges... Truly, depending on where you shop, your growing baby could seem to be getting smaller some months, not larger!

I found this particularly confusing when pregnant with the twins & started to ignore the monthly comparisons. But in the last few weeks, this food / size / internal organs phenom has came in handy, in quite a new & alarming way...

[I could be about to step into semi-blush-worthy territory for the male population. I will not be offended if you exit the building & stop back another time].

As hinted at previously, I had a return visit to hospital for a little surgery. I wont go-into all the details, and lucky for you I'm not an avid hospital photographer - honestly, it was all quite straight-forward & minor. But I am a sharer, it's true. So...

Here is what my Dr discovered after making 4 little incisions in my belly to deal with an aggravated ovary...

What should be about the size of a cherry pepper* -


Was the size of a cantaloupe -


Say WHAT??!!
No lie. My ovary had super-charged itself to the point of a hostile take-over.

I have no clue how I continued to move-around like a normal person, but I certainly have a very good & valid reason for why my favorite pair of jeans would not zip-up!

My "cantaloupe" is now under control & any associated, excruciating pain has been sent packing. I am on the mend, & probably going to pass on eating melons for the next little while.

xx

*It was previously mentioned that this would involve a walnut, but a whole walnut is a hard little sucker to track down! Even as we head into Fall & US stores go bonkers for whole nuts, I was out of luck. I found the next best thing - & if you ask me, a lil red cherry pepper is a touch more cute & colorful anyway.

October 8, 2011

Heartfelt

While I search-out the right "visual" for another blog I'm writing - it involves a walnut & my recent return trip to hospital. Compelling, yes? - I thought I'd share honestly from this week.

Even as all signs point to brighter days, with pretty baked fruit & my palette project, there have been some really sad times around Porter Rd of late.

After an extremely tumultuous & wretched few months, the dust has started to settle. I believe this means the shock has worn off... I've been contemplating the fragmented pieces of our family & future plans, & have floundered in my efforts to piece it back together neatly.

While I watch others world's move forward, and they become mums with growing families, I'm left standing still, missing the twins. I'm wrestling with God's unique timing & longing to feel at peace with what He has for me in the months ahead. Two little lives have left an enormous gap.

In thinking this through, my immediate, heart-wrenching desire is to pick-up the phone & talk to my precious dad - to seek his wise & calm opinion; receive his loving counsel; hear his laughter - as I work through doubts & disappointments. His absence is being felt with renewed depth.

And in the midst of this, I'm weakened by a body that wont quite behave! So I sit for another week in my comfy pants (ugh) & rest. Nooooot one of my favorite Doctors orders.

All combined together it has been enough to make me seriously contemplate pulling the curtains tightly shut & watching reruns of "Friends" until 2012 arrives.

BUT [thankfully there is always a 'but'] no need to send-in search & rescue for me. I have found that God graciously continues to pull me out each day to see His beauty & experience His love in small & wonderful ways...

Be it the glorious Fall weather, enjoyed with the doors flung open...

Sharing a belly-laugh with my sister over the phone...

Drinking my morning coffee on the front porch chair, alongside a man that patiently loves me...

Being spoiled by friend's inspired home-cooking...

Although I may be having teary times & wondering how to make sense of each new & painful change within our world, I know there is One who will not let me go. Every morning I mull things over & end-up reminding my heart of the truth of my Savior...

He see's the whole picture perfectly; He provides for me daily; He gifts me these moments of simple but delightful joy; He promises a beautiful redemption & reunion of all that is broken & lost.

Come Lord Jesus, Come!

xx

October 4, 2011

Palette Project

I am just a wee-bit excited about my first project for the Fall. It's been quite a long hiatus from remodels & clean-ups here at Porter Rd.

The months of upheaval have naturally caused a dip in creativity & inspiration for me...  There is usually great delight to be found in taking something old & making it new & pretty again. So, I've had my eye out for the right piece to get me back into things and last week I think I may have found it.

While on the search for old caster wheels I stumbled upon a 'for sale' post for these 1920's industrial palettes...

If my dad were around to comment, I know he would congratulate me on finding good pieces of wood for a winter bonfire! Rusty & old they may be, but this is my favorite kind of challenge - plenty of character & history to work with.

Despite some painful health concerns over the past week, which eventually landed me in hospital [a story for another time?], I could not be deterred from grabbing 2 palettes & letting creativity creep-back into Porter Rd.


Once I'm back on my feet I'll post an update. And until then I'm going to mull-over ideas of what I should [& shouldn't!] change about them.

Your thoughts?

xx

September 28, 2011

Tasty Simplicity

It's a new week, and we continue to take each day as it comes. Although sometimes it's a stumble, we are moving forward with renewed hope & experiencing deeper peace as we balance the old with a new.

I hope you understand if I continue to blog within this balance... Sharing our sorrow at times, and at others writing as I have been for years - the happening's of Porter Rd, new tasty foods & road-trip travels.

Today, it's the latter - I am diving back-in with the help of my long-lost kitchen & some long lost fruit.


I've had apples & plums languishing in my fruit draw for about 2 weeks now. Yikes. They're not alone either, they live downstairs from a pair of mushy-brown bananas that are awaiting conversion into a loaf or muffins. But that's for another time!

(And noooo, I don't neglect my fruits on purpose so I can have baked treats in my belly. Tut tut).

This time I'm opting for something non-floured or egged, with Donna Hay's simple...

.... Baked Winter Fruits

I searched-out this little gem thanks to our local favorite breakfast spot, Marche. They serve warm fruits throughout the cooler months & I order it every. single. time. It warms you from the inside out. Delightful!

Now, I admit I've not followed this recipe closely... If at all... Apart from the oven temperature & cooking time! BUT it was inspiration enough & thankfully you can't go too wrong when baking fruits.

Fruit choices can be almost anything that takes your fancy - rhubarb, raspberries, cranberries, pears, blackberries, apricots...


I threw-in some frozen blueberries this time, along with a sprinkle of sugar here & there as I layered the fruit. The sugar quantity is up to you, depending on your sweet tooth & the tartness of the fruit you pick. And I used brown not caster - because, you know, it's "better" for you. A-hem. 

The changes-up don't have to stop there either...

A small sprinkle of spices & essence can really, well, spice things up! Try a dash of Vanilla, or Almond essence, or a shake of Cinnamon or Nutmeg, even a sprinkle of Ginger for that very Fall weather feeling.


This is a wonderful accompaniment, especially as the leaves start to turn, the weather cools & keeping fruit in the diet becomes a bit more challenging.

Serve with some rustic granola & greek yogurt OR plain porridge OR muesli & milk OR warm custard OR pancakes OR french toast.. On & On..

Don't you just love versatile & easy recipes?

xx

September 22, 2011

Florida Weekender

Oh my.. I have only one picture to share from our Florida weekend... 

And it's a picture not even taken IN Florida.

This is Octane Coffee, Atlanta GA. The best coffee on-route from FL to TN.

It's like a little promise of goodness on the long road home.
 Can you see the sparkly glint of glee in Nate's eyes?!


My apologies for the overall lame blogging this week.
We've been a little house of sickness & sleep in-between travels. Boo.

Hopefully we'll be back on form next week.

xx

September 14, 2011

Chicago Weekender

A road trip is one of the best ways for us to exhale.
Even more so if the road is headed for Chicago in the Fall...

I rolled down the windows at dusk to smell the seasonal air as we trekked through corn country.

Nate drove & choose endless, random ipod playlists from years past.

We talked a-plenty. And sat in silence for miles too.

I read pages & pages of books*.

And Nate drove some more...

 [INSTAGRAM SNAPS]

 [a road somewhere in the corn fields of Illinois.]

[my "spa" efforts to help quicken the journey through the corn fields of Illinois.]

 [waiting for us at the other end - Intelligentsia Coffee. Be still my beating heart.]

[plate-fulls of breakfast goodness to fill our rumbling bellies, anytime of day.]

 [Chicago downtown, late afternoon.]
  
*The pages = "Kings Cross" by Tim Keller - this book has been food for my soul. 

I picked it up because it wasn't written specifically for times of grief or sorrow. I wanted to read about Jesus. And it shouldn't surprise me that in reading about Jesus, I am finding the comfort, truth & promises I need for this time of grief & sorrow...

"If the sight of Jesus bowing His head into the ultimate storm (the cross) is burned into the core of your being, you will never say "God don't you care?" And if you know that He did not abandon you in that ultimate storm, what makes you think He would abandon you in the much smaller storms you're experiencing right now? And, someday, of course, He will return and still all storms for eternity....

Jesus is the ultimate Parent who has you by the hand & will bring you through the darkest night."

xx

September 8, 2011

1 Month On

I've started, stopped & deleted my blog over & again this week. I know that this is one of the best ways I can keep-up with a few of you, especially over the ocean, so this morning I'll just dive-in & type...

Yesterday marked 1 month of life without the twins. I mention it only because it marks time & I am thankful to see the days add-up. It is helpful to gain distance from the trauma of losing Jack & Lucy, & there is a chance to exhale as we re-enter some of the normal parts of life.

On the weekend we packed-away the baby clothes, toys & blankets we'd been given over the last 6 months, along with the things sent home with us from the hospital. This included Jack & Lucy's hand & foot prints. Despite my nervousness, seeing the prints caused me to smile - I cherish the reminder that these are our twin babes & they are part of our family in a very real & unique way.

 

I know they are small, but when I saw their foot prints for the first time it amazed me to see that Jack has my feet (which are my dads!), wide with high arches. And Lucy has Nate's, narrow & long. We miss-out on getting to know what else the twins inherited from Nate & I, & that will always be a knot of grief for us. To have those small feet distinctly mark them as ours is very special.

The ache of emptiness left by their absence has not eased. Nor have I ceased to experience moments of shocking sadness at the realization of what we've lost. Nate & I continue each day to lament & question with one another, eventually turning to wrestle with God & throwing Him our painful bafflement. I am thankful His love is deep & constant & His grace eternal throughout.

I pray we can find rest. Rest with where God has us. Patience for working through the quietness & solitude of loss. And an openness to continue to allow Him to enter in to our days.

xx 

August 31, 2011

Memorial

I didn't expect a memorial to be such a significant part of the healing process...

Following the advice of our Pastor, Craig, Nate & I ventured a little out of our comfort zone & planned a memorial - both to honor Jack & Lucy & remember God in the midst of sorrow. 

I had doubts of how we could accurately share the weight of the loss we carry, along with the hope we hold as Christian's. I feared making our friends uncomfortable in our effort to appropriately remember the twins, who we knew for so little time. I felt daunted by the overall idea of a service "for us".

In the end, my hesitations were unfounded... 

On Monday night, in the family Chapel of dear friends the Yoder's, we gathered with a small group from our community & held a simple service.


Aaron read with tender conviction Psalm 34, the same passage he read for us the morning I went into hospital.... Nate shared honestly from his heart our experience of faith & hope during the past few weeks.... With great compassion, Craig reminded us that we can confidently place our  lives in the hands of a Savior who knows our heartache, though answers & perspective may be scarce.... Katherine & Wes prayed over us with empathetic love, grace & future hope.... And we sang together - one of my favorite expressions of faith as the people of God!

This time together ministered to my heart & fixed my eyes on God again, teared-filled as they may be.

I felt thankful as I sat in the sweet little chapel, surrounded by friends* who have not shied-away from our pain but hurt along with us. And thankful afterward, as we shared supper together & laughed & told stories.

Jack & Lucy's impact on Nate & I is indelible & I don't assume to now neatly gather-up the loss & leave it behind. But there is definite healing in having acknowledged their lives &  in allowing God's promises & love to be spoken over us by others.

xx

[*I am mindful of the family who are always missed & others who we wish didn't live so far away]

August 23, 2011

8 Little Letters

A dear friend gave me this gift recently... Two names I can keep near to my heart in a tangible way, as I do intangibly every day.


There isn't a family legacy with these names nor any biblical significance. Nate & I picked them because they sounded like the people we'd hoped the twins would be.

Lucy - our little lady, spirited & kind was our prayer (& cute-as-a-button with pigtails was our imagining!). She was only a girl in our minds for a few days before I headed into hospital - at an earlier scan she'd been declared a boy! So we had spent 3 weeks between scans very set on a very different name. I am sad we didn't get more time to dream over her... But as I think about it, when Twin A was declared a girl, there wasn't much else we needed to know - she was she, and we were thrilled.

Jack - bearing the nickname of C.S Lewis. He was a boy for a lot longer than Lucy was a girl & therefore held more in my minds eye. I wont go into every imagining, except to say his name to me is gracious, strong & sure. Please don't misunderstand that to mean we imagined him as physically imposing - it was his character we prayed would be gracious & strong. We prayed that Jack would be a faithful, courageous man of God & keen to serve Him above all else.

I find their names will steal my breath sometimes, for love weighs heavily on me at the sight of 8 little letters. I grieve a lifetime of watching the people they would've become. But even when it hurts, I am so thankful for this new love they have placed in my heart.

I'm praying for joy in the knowledge that, although Lucy & Jack didn't get to carry their earthly names here with us, they have been given far greater, more meaningful names by their Creator.

xx

August 18, 2011

One Foot Infront of the Other

It's been a week since Nate & I left the hospital just the two of us... 

Each day we wake to difficult questions & a discouraged faith. Our hearts ache with the loss of our baby girl & boy. Our minds circle around recent memories of two heart beats & of joyful expectations abruptly removed. If I can be honest, their absence has left us stumbling in the dark a lot of the time, with a complex bundle of grief. 

For the first few days of being home I didn't know where to begin. So Nate got me out onto the sidewalk, where we could work to untie some of it together as we walked.


I am thankful for this time in the early evenings as we slowly & delicately add-up the days between ourselves & the loss of our precious babes. I haven't discovered answers for what we've been plunged into, but the walks aren't really about that. It's about starting somewhere...

It's remembering to put one foot in front of the other. 

It's remembering we have a Savior who also walked with heartbreaking sorrows & for a time knew the pain of the silence of God.

xx

[Thank you for your continued prayers & notes of love & support. The effect is tangible - in our utter weakness you have helped to keep our eyes up & our hearts anchored in truth]

[Nate's Blog]